Drawing by David Ibáñez Bordallo, runner-up in the UN drawing competition on gender equality.
Knowing how to defend yourself when you're attacked, setting clear limits, knowing how to say no when someone takes advantage of you, is a famous asset in life. No one will ever advise you to let yourself be abused when a neighbor yells at you, a husband hits you, a salesman rolls you over in flour. It goes without saying. "Don't let it get to you!"
Mais quand il s'agit des enfants, ou des adolescents, le discours est tout autre. S'il se fait bousculer à la récré, insulter en classe, moquer sur les réseaux sociaux, on lui conseillera plutôt de... faire comme si de rien n'était. "Ignore, il va se lasser !"
Personally, if I don't say anything when my mechanic overcharges for servicing my car, I don't see why he should change his ways. No, as much as I'd like to, he's not going to "get bored...".
The other line, very much in vogue at the moment, is: "Tell us who's bothering you, and we'll take care of it".
Well, well, well... it's all very well and good, but...
Come on, just for fun, let's put this in an "adult" context so that it's clear.
You're at work, your colleague Anne is stretching out on your desk, looking at you too closely, judging the way you dress, criticizing your relationships, yawning in your ear... Instead of saying anything to her, you tell your boss: "Anne, she's a pain". Boss calls Anne, tells her: "Be a bit nice to Lucie or you won't get your good conduct bonus".
Anne gloats, waits until Patron isn't looking, and pokes Lucie with her pen. This is going to be so much fun!
Anne is all the more depressed because she's never learned to defend herself on her own; she's always waited for others to do it for her. We agree: you might as well put a target on her back!
Children's version
Léon loves to insult Emma in the corridors, calling her a turkey with her big butt and not giving her a minute's rest. Emma rages against the walls, tries the "ignore" which doesn't work, complains to the director and I'll let you guess what happens next, the choice is yours:
A. Léon has an hour's detention and immediately calms down. He understands that you have to be nice to everyone.
B. Léon calls Emma a snitch, a whiner, too weak to defend herself.
C. Léon takes the opportunity to become more cunning. A director isn't going to tell him what to do.
Anyone who has ever been harassed, annoyed or attacked in their life (90% of people, in fact) knows the answer, although there may be exceptions. (B and C, in case you didn't know).
Knowing how to defend yourself has a lot of hidden gifts:
- You gain confidence in an extraordinary way, and that's good for the rest of your life.
- We learn to express our desires and live according to our convictions without living the life that others have wanted for us.
- No longer easily fooled
- We feel at ease with ourself
- We have the right strategies for dealing with harassment and can spot risky situations right away.
And not least:
Léon understands that some people don't let themselves be treated like that, and that's going to save him from becoming a slob later on. No, Léon, you can't treat people like that. Not children, not adults.
Practical method
- Don't hesitate to intervene very early, as soon as the relationship becomes tense. Don't wait for the situation to settle down.
- Calling on the team: two or three people are better equipped. Plus, it's more fun.
- Take note of behavior and remarks that are inappropriate or embarrassing...
- Practise answering in a sentence (possibly with the game Takattak, but you don't have to) in a variety of ways: self-mockery, boomerang, pirouette... (you'll find all the explanations in the downloadable PDF on the game page)
- Do the bear's roar before confronting the stalker, or whoever is bothering you.
- Practice again and again. Alone, with others, playing your role, the other's role, etc.
Real-life examples heard during animations
(in primary schools)
- Emma, you're so ugly with your glasses.
- Léon, I can take my glasses off, but your head is for life (Boomerang).
- In fact, nobody in the class likes you.
- Ice cream? No, I don't feel like it... (Pirouette)
- With your frizzy hair, you look like a sheep
- Yes, and in the morning I bleat, which is what I'm going to do every time you tell me that.
- Fuck your mother!
- No, mine is Brigitte (Pirouette)
- Garden gnome
- Yes, and when it's dark, I go into the neighbor's garden, because I'm so small he can't see me (self-mockery).
- Your breath stinks
- Oh no, it's your nose that's all crotched up. Would you like a mirror? Berk berk... (Boomerang)
- You suck at math. Normal, you're a girl
- Anyway, I'm pretty good at counting all your acne pimples (Boomerang)
In these stories, Little Red Riding Hood defeats the wolf. Because sometimes the hunter doesn't get there in time, or sometimes he shoots wide and wrong, and the wolf gets even angrier.
And our Chaperon understood that it was better to fend for himself.
That's life. And it's good.
The best gift of all: teaching them not to let themselves be pushed around